Gold Tinted Wax
by Merrybeans
Summary: When you feel homesick and your family and friends live across the sea, what else is there do to but write letters? [Kalasin]
1. Chapter 1

**Gold-Tinted Wax.**

**Chapter One.**

She lifted the shallow metal bowl from its stand above the candle and poured a little puddle onto the parchment, pressing her seal into it. It was gold-coloured wax of course, because, after all, she _was_ an Empress.

It was a dark, beautiful night, but the Empress of Carthak couldn't sleep. So she had done the same thing she always did when she was troubled: write to her brother. It wasn't her parents she wrote to, or her sisters, nor her ladies in waiting or her friends- no, it was Roald she wrote to: long letters of gibberish. It was the closest she could get to speaking to him without the trouble of setting up long-distance speaking spells and he had always calmed her.

Of course, her letters were rather empty. She couldn't tell him of intricate details of her court and empire and she certainly wasn't going to tell him how she _really_ felt at being so far from home.

Oh yes, she could just imagine it now:

_Dear Roald, _

_I know it hasn't been long since I last wrote to you (a day?) but I couldn't help myself. I was feeling so sad, I needed some comfort. I wish I could come visit; I miss you. I miss home. It's so _hot_ here and dusty. The slaves scare me, Roald and my husband- well, Kaddar scares me too. Every night I go to bed, shaking: what if he wants me _this_ night?_

Kalasin laughed a bitter laugh, a sound that echoed eerily around the quiet night. No, a letter like _that_ would not do. Her letters were mundane accounts on what she actually liked (or pretended to like) about her new home, and all about what she spent her time doing and her positive thoughts about her husband. Just the act of writing to her calm, serious brother was enough to soothe her in times of distress.

She often wondered how many of her letters Roald read, and if he gave up half way through her drabbles. Behind those thoughts was a question she didn't want to know the answer to: _how much did he see through her letters?_

She wanted to go home- at least for a short while. She wanted to be there when Roald announced Shinko's first pregnancy and for the birth of Roald's first child (there was no doubt in Kally's mind that the wait wouldn't be very long- it _was_ Roald, after all, and he succeeded in everything he did). She wanted to see Roald's face when _she_ got pregnant. She wanted Roald to be there to hold her newborn.

There was only one other person Kalasin missed as much as she missed Roald. It wasn't her other siblings: she and Lianne had never gotten on much until they were older, and then Kally had been away preparing for her new position as Empress. Liam and Jasson, too, were much younger than Kally; she had never formed the same strong bond with them. They had been held in the nursery for too long and she had got used to it being just Roald and herself.

It wasn't her parents she missed so much either. Thayet had had Roald and Kally quickly, to secure Jon's throne, and so both monarchs had been far too busy dealing with the early stages of their reign to bring up children. Although Jon and Thayet had struggled to spend more time with their younger children, for Roald and Kally they had been largely absent.

No, the only other person Kalasin missed so much was Faleron of King's Reach. Her cousin and friend, he had also become her lover- of sorts. He had taken it into his skilled hands to instruct the empress-to-be in the ways of physical love, for she could not be empress in a land where the emperor was allowed many wives and be completely unprepared.

The Empress pulled a fresh sheet of parchment towards her and began to write.

_Dear Faleron, how are you?_

No. That was _ridiculous_. She crossed it through.

When they had been together, she had always played up to him. _She_ was a princess, _she_ was going to be empress,_ she _was stunningly beautiful. He should feel _honoured_ that she had chosen him.

He would take it all with a lazy smile and kiss her mouth firmly to stop her ramblings and remind her of the purpose of their love-making.

Her teasing had continued when her feelings began to run deeper. She knew that as cousins they shouldn't _really_ be doing this; there would be Chaos if their parents found out, but she enjoyed it and she had _always_ had what she liked. Even when he had returned to the war, she couldn't bring herself to quit her frippery and tell him to take care.

_Dear Faleron, _

_It is strange to think I have already been gone so long. It does not seem five months since I first moved in. yet, at the same time, it feels like years and years since we last kissed-_

With a growl, the Empress tore her last attempt up, throwing the pieces towards the candle. A scrap fell into the melted wax. She snorted; _gold-tinted wax, indeed._

She missed Faleron painfully, just as she missed Roald. She missed the way she could tease him and his lazy air; she missed how worried he could get over something small and truly insignificant. She remembered the time she had fallen and scraped her knee- and the time he had lost a letter from a friend: how panicked he had got.

Kally missed his body too. She couldn't get used to Kaddar's dark skin after Faleron's paleness; and Kaddar's hands were too soft compared to Fal's calloused knight-palms.

But despite all that, she couldn't bring herself to write to him. She _wanted_ to, but it was so awkward. What could she say to him? He had promised to write to her and yet she had received no letters; obviously he did not care as much as she had believed.

He was probably off fighting some battle somewhere. Either that, or choosing his bride. Faleron had held his mother's persistent encouragements at bay while he was sleeping with Kalasin but now Kally was gone, what reason had he to hold back? And when he had a wife, he wouldn't want his cousin from far away sending pestering letters every month.

No, she had been just another woman to him. A _fun_ one, she hoped, but clearly no more than that. It seemed that their little affair had even severed their friendship.

After all, what was she but another notch in the bedpost for him?

The Empress threw her other attempts of a letter to Faleron in the fire. There would be no gold-coloured wax-sealed letter of love arriving at _his_ door. Only, as always, at Roald's: her constant rock.

---


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two.**

Roald sat on the bench in the private Royal gardens, hoping for some privacy. As always when he came here, he had only one thing with him: a letter from Kalasin. He cast his eyes around: roses, honeysuckle, green leaves, pink flowers, white flowers- no people.

He broke open the golden seal hungrily.

_Dear Roald,_

_I hope you are well; it has been a while since I heard from you. I am glad to hear that Lianne recovered from the nasty flu she had and that Liam passed his Ordeal. I will send him a congratulatory gift as soon as I am allowed but please pass my well wishes on for me._

_I cannot believe it but the weather is getting hotter here already! Kaddar says that when it is the height of summer he will take me to the coast for a short while, where he has a palace and I can bathe in the sea every day. (Remember when we were kids and we used to do that when we visited Uncle George?) It is a sweet gesture of him, but I'm not entirely sure how I feel. How will the Empire cope if we go on holiday?_

_Dusty (the mare Kaddar gave to me when I arrived, remember?) has hurt her ankle and I fear for her. If she does not get better soon and I can't ride her any more, what then will happen to her? (Don't answer that, Roald.)_

_My ladies in waiting are continuing to instruct me in the intricate art involved in making the Spring Festival decorations. It is a strong tradition for the women here to decorate the main rooms so I don't know why I wasn't told about it at home. The women enjoy teaching me though, so never mind._

_Let me know how Shinko is when you write back- in your few letters you barely mention her at all!_

_All my love,_

_Kally._

Roald quickly scanned the letter again. So, the parcels Kally sent out of Carthak were still being screened and she was still finding the heat oppressive. He saw through her words about the holiday: she was worried, as ever, about being alone with Kaddar. Roald had always been uncertain about how his sister would take the physical side of being married and her letters did little to nullify his anxiety. Although she never said directly that there were any problems, he guessed by the undertones that she was uncomfortable with it.

He also saw the hidden message behind her horse's accident. Riding had always been an escape for Kally. If she was unable to ride her own mare, she was unable to escape and he knew that if he was in his sister's position he'd want to get away as much as he could.

The passage about the Spring Festival decorations made him chuckle: Kally had never liked to be out-done by any body and she would _hate_ to seem ignorant to her ladies in waiting. She was the Empress, and she thought she had to be omniscient.

He fingered the letter, listening to the birds. Perhaps he ought to write back to her this time. It was just that- well, writing to his sister always _upset_ him.

He was so far away, and he couldn't do anything to help her.

---


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three.**

_Dear sister,_

_I am glad to hear you are well, if finding the weather oppressive. Thank you for your letter and I apologise for not replying more frequently; situations in Tortall have not been the calmest, as I am sure you are aware._

_Shinkokami is well and she begs me tell you of the new cloth she is embroidering for the ritual table in the Yamani Temple here (she's never forgotten how interested you were in the Yamani fashions). She hopes to have it finished by autumn and asked me to include a description of it for you- but you know how poor my interpretation of art is._

_Liam is courting a new lady. He's still as flirtatious and charming as he's ever been but I do believe this young beauty has got him caught around her finger, so to say. He showers her constantly with expensive gifts- as he does with all his lovers- but I am sure this one is determined to become his wife. (And he has only been back at Court a mere few weeks, to boot.)_

_One of the young pages (I remember you always were fascinated by those boys) started a fire in the Pages Stables last week. My Lords haMinch and Provost are investigating the matter but it seems it was part of a large disagreement between a few boys. One horse was unfortunately killed; 2 were slightly burnt, but most escaped. I thank Daine's affect on them; a stablehand said he watched the mounts undo their stall doors and march from the burning building a great deal calmer than normal horses would have done._

_I have a meeting to attend to now so I will end this letter here._

_Take care, sister dear,_

_Your loving brother, _

_Roald._

The Crown Prince read the letter over and blew on the ink to dry it. That done, he folded the parchment and sealed it with wax: dark blue for the son of the Royal family, stamped firmly and perfectly into place with his coat of arms.

He addressed the letter next:_ Empress Kalasin Iliniat of Carthak,_ and set it aside. Twiddled his fingers. In truth, the meeting wasn't for another one and a half candle marks, but it had been a good ending to the letter when he was running short on things to say.

Roald rose and crossed his study to lock the door. As it was off his private suite of rooms, no-one should enter but Shinkokami, but he wasn't about to take any chances.

Returning to his desk, he shifted the chair to the left slightly and crouched down. There were bookcases here against the wall, as there were in most of the room, and he ran his thumb across the spines of the books. In the far corner of the bottom most shelf he found what he was looking for: a single, small, leather-bound book.

Flicking through it, he sat at his desk again, picking up a pen. His eyes ran over the topmost line of the pages as he turned them: _September 17th, September 22nd, September 25th, October 9th, October 21st…_ until he reached the latest entry.

His journal. It was not something he wrote for romantic reasons- mainly a way to clear his mind, as he had always found meditation particularly difficult. He didn't keep them either- not even for sentimental reasons. They were simply a way for him to express his feelings without causing any damage.

_May 12th_

_Replied to Kally today. I miss her still, and every letter I write just makes it worse. And I can't tell her. She would be so upset if she knew I let it affect me. _

_I still can't believe that I will probably never see her again. She's married for the good of our realm, and yet it's like she's been exiled. I only hope she doesn't feel this way too. I hope she likes her new home. _

_I would let Shinko visit the Yamani Isles if she wanted to. If she wanted to go home for a short while, to visit her family, I'd let her. And I thought Kaddar was supposed to be a good man. Surely he'd let Kally come home._

_Unless she doesn't want to. I don't think the others get letters from her very often, if at all. If they do, they keep very quiet about it. Maybe Kally only writes to me to keep me happy. Maybe she feels sorry for _me_, knowing I'll have to rule a country one day just like she does it. _

_Kally… an Empress. I wish I could see it. I wish I knew she was truly, wonderfully happy._

_Mother misses her, most awfully. I caught her the other day, crying. She was in the paddock with the Rider's spare ponies, calling to the Horse Lords. Of course, I haven't told Kally. _

_I wonder at Mother. Surely she's known since she was a girl that she would marry someone powerful and that any children she had would have to marry for alliances too, not for love. And yet she seems to be finding this hard to cope with. I would have thought she'd had plenty of time to prepare herself._

_I think it's even created a little rift of sorts between Mother and Father. He's the only person she lets her guard down around (apart from the odd times I catch her, and then I'm just a substitute for him), and I don't think he quite empathises with her. Father's always been realistic about Kally; about her dreams for knighthood and her marriage, and because Mother's usually so practical I don't think he can understand her grief now. _

_It makes me wonder what will happen to Lianne. She won't make as good a match as Kally, but there are still choices. I even heard mention of some Yamani Duke being interested to strengthen our tie. _

_Yet I have a feeling Mother won't _let_ Annie be sent off, not after Kally. Plus Lianne hasn't had the right training and she's already sixteen. I can see her marrying some high Tortallan Courtier. Which of course beggars the question: who? For whichever family it is will suddenly have gained a dangerously advantageous position._

_Perhaps Lianne will marry for love. It would be nice to think one of us would. I can see that Liam, womaniser that he is, will marry whoever Father tells him to (so long as she is relatively pretty) and then continue in his flirtatious manner with every lady that pleases him._

_Well, we shall see._

---


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four.**

_I miss her most terribly. Sometimes, it hits me so hard, I can hardly breathe and I don't know what to do with myself. How have I been so badly caught by one girl? By my cousin? A lady completely off limits?_

_It's so irresponsible of me. I should never have done what I did. Look at the mess it's got me in now. Now I'm having to watch my step- me! _I'm_ having to be wary, be deceptive. That's not me and I don't like it. Hopefully- however horrible this sounds- it'll fade and be forgotten over the years I don't see her._

_Or speak to her. I still haven't gotten the courage to write to her. I can't even pretend to myself that there's another reason for my behaviour; I know at every angle it's because I'm scared of her rejection. Silly, isn't it? How many women have I been with in the past and how many actual battles have I fought (I've been to _war_, Mithros' Spear!) and I'm shaken by my cousin. A spit of a girl. Okay, an Empress. _

_Perhaps I should speak to someone about it. I mean, I _can't_ be the only one to be missing her, and it's normal for me to be feeling that way even without what we did. She was my cousin, and we spent a lot of time together when she was here. Perhaps Roald? He'd understand and he'd be kind. So long as he didn't find out. He would castrate me himself if he discovered what I'd done to his sister. Gods, I swear he loves her more than anyone else._

_No, I can't talk to Roald. It would be too awkward with my secret in between us, filling all the little silences. Everything unsaid. _

_There is no-one I can talk to. I will struggle in silence, it is the best way. You do not make yourself vulnerable that way. _

Faleron closed his journal and was careful to hide it in a locked box in the darkest corner beneath his bed. One of his younger sisters- Joslyn- had discovered it once and she had teased him relentlessly about it. Although he could easily stand the mocking, he didn't want her- or anyone else- reading what was written in there _now_. Secrets were too powerful; he was meticulously careful about how he worded his thoughts in case someone _did_ discover the book.

To suffer in silence was never best, and Faleron knew that really. For a flushed moment he considered riding to see Fallon. He had often shared his secrets with her- his older sister- when they were young. She had the same watchful quiet as their mother, picking up on all the words that were never muttered. She would be good to talk to; he hadn't seen her in so long.

But no; the moment passed. She was different now and they had grown apart. She was married with children and running a busy household. Plus- like Mother- she stuck too close to tradition; if he let it slip what he had done with Kalasin, the Royal Princess… Faleron shuddered to think of his sister's reaction.

An idea struck him. Oh, it was a _brilliant_ idea. He would write a letter to Kalasin- telling her _everything_- all how he felt, how he missed her, how he worried about her, alone in a big realm far from home. But he wouldn't send it. He would burn it and hopefully lay a rest to his ridiculous carryings on.

Pleased with himself, Faleron pulled a fresh sheet of paper towards him and began. It was hard at first, but got easier as he went on, and soon the words were fairly flowing out of him. How often he had thought about writing this letter and somehow, because he knew she would never actually read it, it was so much easier to write. Even before he had finished he could feel the weight lifting off his shoulders, the easing in his body.

The time flew, and so did his pen across the parchment. When he was done, he read it over proudly. Wanting to do this properly, he sealed it with the black wax near at hand, stamping it shut with the King's Reach seal. This was setting the seal on this fraught chapter of his life.

He addressed it: _Empress Kalasin._

And then he sat there, fingering the rectangle of folded parchment. It was hard now to make the final step- to throw it in the fire and say that final goodbye. He knew it _was_ the final goodbye. After this, she would trouble him no more and he would never write to her properly.

He should just do it. Quickly. Taking a deep breath, he stood up-

'Faleron!'

He jumped. Gods bless, he was _tense_ all of a sudden! He cleared his throat, shaking a little.

'I'm in here,' he called back. It was his sister Joslyn that was shouting for him. He heard pattering footsteps and the door opened. His sister leaned through the doorway, hanging onto the door handle, smiling.

'Hello, Fal. What are you doing holed up in here? Mother wants you. A letter has come for you and I think it's from the palace.'

'Thank you, Joslyn.'

The young lady frowned. 'Are you well, Faleron?'

'Yes, yes, I'm fine thank you.' He put the letter down on the desk, distractedly, and smoothed down his hair and shirt.

'Mother's in the parlour.'

'Very well, I'll go to her now.'

Joslyn held the door open for her brother and together they began to walk to the parlour. She was enthusiastically curious as to why he had a letter from the palace, and his thoughts were full of similar speculation too.

The letter he had wrote lay on his desk, forgotten.

---


End file.
